I am right, you are wrong, and this is why

“My values didn’t align with his and we had too many different opinions.”

I nodded my head in interest as the candidate I was interviewing told me this was the reason why she’d left her most recent role. She was the Executive Assistant, supporting the person with whom she did not have ‘shared opinions’ with. Given that she had resigned over these opinions, I assumed that the viewpoints she was referring to were matters of significant importance. Workplace culture, staff wellbeing, climate change, poverty, inequality. So, when she gave the example that they had polarising views on veganism I kept my expression impassive. To each their own when it comes to many things, including a person’s stance on dietary choices.

The right to hold an opinion no longer feels rightful.

Several months ago we had a very perfect time holidaying in Fiji, one of my most favourite places in the world. We have been fortunate to holiday in Fiji a few times now, but this is the first time in several years where we’ve been able to holiday with our son who is at the age where he can spend hours going down a waterslide, come back to where we are pool side, eat his body weight in hot chips and then be off again.

It takes a village to raise a child, and my village is in Fiji.

Anyway, after a long day of eating hot chips (child), reading (me) and drinking cocktails (husband) we ventured to dinner. Like I said, perfect holiday.

My son has never met a buffet he didn’t like but we were keen to try one of the fancier restaurants. We’d spent the last few nights eating in the main restaurant and it is difficult to have a conversation with my family amidst the anarchy of small children and a self-serve dessert bar, so we were all looking forward to a more refined and peaceful dining experience.

‘Not so fast’ said the holiday gods as our planned peaceful dinner though delicious, came with a side serving of a political discussion that I did not order.

I don’t remember how or why, but for some ridiculous reason we were talking about Donald Trump. Our son has grown up in a very anti Trump household and even though we are teaching him to think for himself, I have no shame in ensuring he sees Trump as nothing but a terrible human being.  #parentinggoals

Up until this point I had not noticed the table beside us, but during our conversation I could see in my peripheral vision a lady approach our table. I wrongly assumed she was going to ask where I got my dress from or what was the pink cocktail I was drinking.  She interrupted me mid Trump rant and said “excuse me but I couldn’t help but over hear what you were saying….” And then she went on some diatribe that made no sense, had no logic and was frankly, factually incorrect. My husband took a long and slow sip of his beer, a technique he used in favour of biting his tongue and my son with widen eyes watched this exchange, his eyes darting between my husband and I as if daring one of us to interrupt her and tell her to go away. I simply nodded, thanked her for her opinion, took another mouthful of my chicken, a visual cue to signal this interaction was to be over.

This, I fear, is where I may contradict myself, because I’m writing this article about the tolerance of opinions, but you see there are some opinions that I can’t afford to agree to disagree on, Trump is one such opinion. Some opinions are fundamental to our values and these often become our guiding principles. In my view, there are many occasions where we simply can’t settle with the adage to ‘agree to disagree’ because we can’t afford to. Equality, human rights, women’s rights. Hills I will die on. We can’t agree to disagree if you think domestic violence against women is not a crisis.

Anyway, back to Fiji and context is important. We were having a private family discussion, and she took it upon herself to assert her opinion over my chicken fried rice and not only was it an opinion so fundamental against my own, but it was also an opinion I did not ask for.

I have long held the belief that the standard you walk past is the standard you set and not that long ago I intercepted a loud and aggressive car park road rage situation when a big burly man was yelling at a lady old enough to be my mum. I approached him and not very politely told him to bugger off. I did not feel as though I was intruding or that I should have kept my opinion to myself. However, if my Trump supporting, restaurant companion was having a private conversation with her family about her President of choice, then this is a standard I would have walked by. I would have simply muttered ‘God save America’ and be on my way.

The internet and social media have given people a platform to shout loudly and resoundingly at one another. You must think one way or another, there is no in between and no room for nuanced perspective. Conversation over. We have lost the great art of a robust discussion. The idea that your opinion is wrong, I am right, and this is why has become the norm. There is no white space in which to have a discussion anymore and the problem with this is that we have not only become so less tolerant of someone else’s views, we also miss the opportunity to have intelligent and respectful discussions that allow us to grow in curiosity. The absence of these types of conversations not only limit our growth, but they also have the power to make us boring. I loved high school debating; it was one of my favourite things to do and I often wonder how great it would be to bring back debating as an actual activity you can go and participate in. I will do everything I can to encourage my son into school debating because the ability to respectfully engage with another person is a life skill that should not be underestimated.

I am a member of an online book club, with more than 3000 members and books read monthly, it would be impossible for everyone to have the same opinions on the books we have read. This is what makes the book club so spectacular because the conversations are so interesting, the perspectives are diverse and the way we all interpret the book is like night and day, with lots of shade in between which makes the experience so rich. I remember one such book that I felt quite neutral about and it was only after a book club meeting where the author was present that my whole view on the book changed, so much so that I went back and re-read it, the encounter not only opened my eyes to someone else’s perspective and in the end I actually changed my mind on how I felt about book. Since then, I have made the conscious decision to be more open to not only have a more open mind about certain things but also to open my mind to the possibility that my opinion on something might change and that’s okay.

Whether it is at the dinner table, workplace, boardroom, book club or in an online chat discussion, navigating differing opinions is an essential part of the shared human experience and we need to get better at it. The debates we once could engage in without fear of being cancelled or vilified, should not be lost to the divisive noise being played out in today’s landscape.

But this is just my opinion.